Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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