I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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