I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
