He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
