You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
