He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
