You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize