Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
