i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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