Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
