I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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