I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i would punch a child for taco bell
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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