how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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