everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
