I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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