i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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