I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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