you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
