and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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