The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
