so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
