It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
