thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
