When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
