Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
