I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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