I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
