Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
