I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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