and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
