i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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