I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
