Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
