I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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