I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
