Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
