if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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