His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize