My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
