I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
