Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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