I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
