I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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