Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
