good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just threw up on my dentist
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
