did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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