can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
