Can Purell be used as lube?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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