I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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