How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
