You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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