i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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