While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
