I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
