I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the day after is always just damage control
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
