I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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